APR 19, 2022
My dad passed away on April 16th after 18+ years of fighting. Throughout his fight, he wanted to get better. He wanted to overcome. He hoped that through his struggles, he could help others. He hoped there was a way that his story and life could still be used by God to change another’s. And even in passing from this life and entering into eternity, his story isn’t over. His life has impacted many, and that impact didn’t die with him.
My dad worked hard, and often worked overtime in order to provide for our family in a way that met his standards. He worked hard, and his hard work allowed our family to take two week vacations almost every summer. My parents ended up buying a timeshare when we were young, and through that timeshare, we have stayed in resorts all over the US. As a family, we have gone to Gatlinburg, TN; Orlando, FL on multiple occasions; Branson, MO; Palm Springs, CA; Sedona, AZ; Williamsburg, VA; Washington, D.C.; Hilton Head, SC (one of my personal favorites); and a slew of other places. Family vacations hold some of our best memories as a family together. Together, we had amazing experiences on these vacations. We enjoyed multiple theme parks, we experienced seeing the Grand Canyon, we saw the breath taking Sequoia tress, and we have fished on many of these vacations. These memories are dear to us all, and we will always cherish them.
As a little girl, I was Daddy’s Little Girl. I was proud to be his little girl. I loved my daddy. My dad liked to airbrush paint, and I remember him bringing home a painting he did of a zebra drinking from a pool of water. This piece was amazing to me, and I wanted to make art just like my dad. His Harley had a custom paint job, designed by him, and that was the coolest thing to me. My dad taught me how to fish. My dad would sometimes play video games with my brother and I. My dad started a car show at our church called Anything on Wheels, and it grew to be a huge event that many knew about in our area. It was a family production. We all helped out. My dad was amazing, and he loved us.
But, during my fourth grade year, my dad found out that the Chrysler plant he worked at in Indy was going to be shutting down. This event consequently rocked our world. That was the turning point where everything started to change, and the dad I knew and was so proud to be his little girl started to crumble. You see, my dad took pride in providing for his family in the way he did. He built a good life for us, and with this one event, I think he thought it would all come crashing down, and he would fail us. This event was a catalyst that brought to surface wounds, hurts, and shortcomings that he had buried deep within.
My dad turned to alcohol as a way to cope. He fell into a pattern of drinking to numb the pain, feeling ashamed and guilty for drinking, and drinking again to numb the pain of guilt and shame. It was an endless cycle of self-sabotage and deceit. Every time he would drink, he became less of his true self. Less of the dad I knew he was.
During my junior high years, I remember being hurt and angry with him due to his drinking. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have MY dad back. Every summer I would get him back during our two week vacations, but I wanted him back for good. I wanted him to stay. Why couldn’t he just stop? At the time, I didn’t quite understand the hold that addiction had over him. I didn’t understand how the “enemy” was taking every one of his mistakes and was continually throwing them in his face. I didn’t understand that he was believing the lie that he was a failure and unworthy of love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. I didn’t understand that throughout all of this, he was trying so hard to overcome
his addiction.
Our family had gone to church all of my life. I had people who made comments about how “perfect” and “happy” our family was. These people didn’t know the hurt in my story. I didn’t share my full story because my story couldn’t be told without including my dad’s story and his addiction. I didn’t want people to judge and make assumptions about my dad. Within the church and outside of the church, there are misconceptions about addiction. Many just see the addiction, but not the true person underneath. They ignore the broken person underneath it all and focus on the sin or the person’s weakness for not being able to overcome the addiction. That’s not what I wanted for my dad. I wanted people to see the real him; the man I knew that was in there, deep within all the brokenness.
During my dad’s journey, I also went on a journey. Throughout it all, I think I have learned more about grace and forgiveness. I have learned more about loving a person where they are at and having compassion. I have grown. I had grown from being angry in my junior high years to just wanting my dad to know how loved he was, even amidst his brokenness. I wanted him to truly accept that he was worthy of love. That we loved him and that God did too. I longed for him to break free from the shackles of guilt and shame the enemy placed on him.
Every day he battled his addiction to alcohol. He tried so hard to get past it. He had gone to multiple rehabs, attended AA meetings, went all out on spiritual disciplines such as reading devotions, watching sermons, and attending Bible studies. He tried, but he often relapsed because shame and guilt would chain him down.
Through it all, my dad was deeply sorry for the role that alcohol played in his story, and inevitably, our family’s story. He was sorry to my mom and my brothers, he was sorry to me, he was sorry to his parents, and he was sorry to God as he struggled to break free from his chains. Before my dad was put on hospice, I was with him in the hospital. Other family had left, and it was just me and him. He told me how sorry he was - sorry because he felt he wasn’t a good dad, sorry because he felt he wasn’t there enough as his true self, sorry for the pain and hurt he had caused, sorry because he felt like our memories with him were forever stained with darkness. That just isn’t true. We have so many good memories with him. I told him of the good memories I personally have and how those good memories outweigh all the bad. I told him how much he was loved and that we just wanted him to fully accept that love.
My family saw my dad as the prodigal son in Luke 15 that the Father was waiting to pour out his love to and welcome home - a son worthy of love. The night he passed, those of us present came together to pray for him and over him. Our prayer was for Jesus to walk with him from life to life. My brother asked that He give my dad the embrace that his soul has longed for his whole life, just like we knew He would. We had the opportunity to pray over my dad and tell him how much we loved him, how much he would be missed, and how it was all going to be ok - Jesus had him and us. Shortly after, my dad passed. I believe he heard our words and finally came to peace. I believe his soul was finally ready.
Katy Nichole’s song In Jesus Name (God of Possible), encompasses my prayers for my dad throughout his journey, and I would like to share those lyrics here.
I speak the name of Jesus over you
In your hurting, in your sorrow
I will ask my God to move
I speak the name ‘cause it’s all that I can do
In desperation, I’ll seek Heaven
And I pray this for you
I pray for your healing
That circumstances will change
I pray that the fear inside will flee in Jesus name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus name, in Jesus name
I speak the name of all authority
Declaring blessings, every promise
He is faithful to keep
I speak the name no grave could ever hold
He is greater, He is stronger
He’s the God of possible
I pray for your healing
That circumstances will change
I pray that the fear inside will flee in Jesus name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus name, in Jesus name
Come believe it
Come receive it
Oh, the power of His Spirit is now forever yours
Come believe it
Come receive it
In the mighty name of Jesus, all things are possible
I pray for your healing
That circumstances will change
I pray that the fear inside will flee in Jesus name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus name
I pray for revival
For restoration of faith
I pray that dead will come alive in Jesus name
In Jesus name
While we didn’t get to see our dad experience the transformation and freedom that we would have wanted him to have in this life, he sparked our own personal transformations. I think my brother wrote it so well in his blog post, and there are no better words to describe how we saw him, “‘Dad is a ragamuffin, but he is God’s ragamuffin.’ (For the record, we are all ragamuffins in our own right.) As my dad lay in the hospice bed, sedated and on a trajectory of death, my heart was frequently overcome with compassion and a deep sense that God really loves him. ‘Abba’ was so fond of him. My dad just struggled to believe he was worth it. It is ok though. The Father’s love is not determined by our capacity to understand it. God was fond him.”
We saw our dad as broken, as the rest of us all are, and worthy of love, grace, compassion, forgiveness, and all that God has for him. We strived to show him God’s unconditional love throughout it all. I didn’t always do it right. There were times I reacted out of my own hurt that were not as loving as I would have hoped. I hope my dad knew how much I loved him, how much I forgave him, and how I was still his little girl.
My dad wanted to be able to turn his life around and overcome his addiction. He wanted to be able to help others overcome their own addictions. He wanted his story to help others overcome their own struggles and know how much God loved them. As death drew near, he hoped that in his death the family would grow even closer together. In the midst of my dad’s own struggles with addiction and feeling unworthy of God’s love, my dad knew a guy who was also struggling with addiction and wanted to help him. My dad would pick him up on Sunday mornings in order to watch the live stream of my brother’s church service together. The guy had been in jail before and had some volunteer chaplains tell him things like, “God only hears our prayers when we kneel to pray…” or “God can’t forgive someone who’s lived a life like you have…” and things of similar nature. This is complete garbage, and it only intensified the shame this guy felt. My dad told my brother that he explained to this guy that Jesus died for his sins because he loved him. He doesn’t have to pay for his sins because Jesus already did. God loved him so much.
My dad wanted God to make beauty from ashes with his life. My dad’s story isn’t over. His story has impacted so many of us. My family can’t tell our stories without his story and his struggle with addiction being a part of it. We can’t tell our story without the love and grace God had for my dad, and for us all.
Dad, you are loved so much and will be missed. You are whole now and free from all of your chains. God loved you so much, and loves you still.
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